Is Channing Tatum Left-Handed?

Life is not hard for beautiful people. We’re not talking like “Oh, Jenny is very pretty I should give her my homework” or “Bryce has really nice hair I wonder what he’s like in bed.” No, stupid beautiful people that make oneself forget what’s on their mind when such a person walks past. Your now vacuous brain can’t help but realize your life means nothing, and that double mocha frappacino you are walking to buy for $8 is a waste of goddamn money and won’t buy your happiness back.

Channing was born like any other human, but with features that characterize him as attractive to a very high percentage of the female population. Naturally athletic, his southern accent assured that his life would be filled with pleasure-seeking females and low test scores.

His bio writes itself. College drop-out turned male stripper, he was scouted to be a model by simply walking down a Miami street. His dancing skills earned him a place on Ricky Martin’s famous “She Bangs” song, which I now appreciate for the irony, which led him into TV commercials and then movies.

I admit it, when someone says “That Channing Tatum is so hot right now” I want to punch them in the face. It’s possible I’m jealous, but as a man I do not think he is that good looking. Did I laugh my ass off at 21 Jump Street? Yes, yes I did. I also want to punch Ryan Gosling into between his narrowly-placed eyes, not exactly sure why. My therapist says it’s because I have to believe I’m attractive and not constantly compare myself to Hollywood stereotypes of what attractive should be. I also want to punch her in the face.

No, Channing Tatum is not Left-Handed.

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