Is Danica Patrick Left-Handed?

As a kid Danica would race her Red Flyer against the neighborhood kids and beat them all. She was notorious for her victory celebrations, which included spraying sparkling apple cider in the loser’s faces, doing donuts on the retirement home’s lawn and downing multiple vanilla milkshakes before dinner.

When she turned 13 she signed up for a trial at Bell Labs research center and was a participant in their time travel program. She was chosen to be sent back to just before the fall of the Roman empire, where she was immediately mistaken for a boy. She was selected by Caesar for the chariot races, and because of her keen driving skills and nack for competing against men, she succeeded and won the right to be in Caesar’s inner circle.

Revealed as a woman and confronted by Caesar, the two fell in love and over time bore a son together. When the Roman Senate ordered him to forfeit his command and return to Rome, Caesar consulted his love. It was actually Danica’s idea to defy Rome and cross the Rubicon, which she said “would tickle their insides”. She later described the resulting civil war as the “most exhilarating of human thrills imaginable, unmatched by anything I’ve ever done, seen or will do.”

Their love now know to all, Danica and Caesar enjoyed many years together shaping the empire. The senators wives would often enjoy drunk wine nights together, of which Danica was often a guest. One night in particular a wife disclosed the assassination attempt on Caesar, and Danica raced to the Senate. Her actions were too late and before she could seek revenge she was forced to return to Bell Labs.

She is the most successful woman Nascar driver in history and does it because “after all the shit I’ve seen, it’s the closest to living I can get.” She lives in Santa Monica, with her a brown lab, Caesar.

No, Danica Patrick is not Left-Handed.