Is Lance Armstrong Left-Handed?

Lance Armstrong, what happened man? Everyone loved you and bought those stupid yellow wristbands to support your Livestrong brand. Now you lost all your medals, you’re banned from the sport and you don’t even fight back? Isn’t that what you are know for? Fighting against insurmountable odds? No doubt all your time in France has rubbed off on you, warping your dope-raddled brain into thinking you have to surrender.

Either way, we couldn’t care less. It’s a stupid bicycle race around the scenic French countryside. It’s basically a paid holiday. You have corporate sponsors, sweet accommodations and amazing views. You crushed it so hard every time I watched it from the comfort of my lazy-boy that I couldn’t even name another bicyclist that has ever competed in any bicycle race ever. Most of the time I thought I was watching some infomercial for Lance Armstrong bikes.

We are going to stay away from any Post Offices in case all those government employees are doping too. Not that anyone uses them anymore. And all your sponsors dropped you so fast that your website page doesn’t even have a sponsors page anymore.

We did a little searching and did find one company that is willing to endorse you: Monsanto. The makers of Roundup and the genetically modified foods that turn babies into whales would love to feature you in a new campaign. We heard it’s a new product that involves lots of illegal chemicals, so right up your alley. It’s called CoverUp and has a 7 year warranty. Hey, you have to start somewhere.

No, Lance Armstrong is not Left-Handed.

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