Is Lindsey Vonn Left-Handed?

In what many sports experts are calling the Duo of the Decade, Lindsey Vonn and Tiger Woods have announced they are an item. Using the only valid form of communication this day in age, Woods and Vonn took to Facebook to set the record straight.

The two met at Fuerza Bruta in Manhattan when Tiger mistook her for Malin Akerman. Initially despondent, he sensed her extreme athleticism and decided to add her to his reservation at T.G.I. Friday’s next door. The two closed the restaurant down, talking Voltaire and eating fudge sundaes until they were forced out. Sources say Woods invited three waitresses back to his Manhattan-man-pad when Lindsey was in the bathroom, but could only fit himself, Vonn and two servers in his robotic tiger-mobile.

Vonn grew up in the northern woods of Vermont in a small lumbering village, where no one had heard of skiing before. One night Vonn was wandering in the woods and accidentally ate psychedelic mushrooms. She had intense visions of floating on the snow and designed a pair of skis out of some pine saplings, maple syrup and owl feathers. She brought her creation, which she called “Delicious magic feather legs”, into the village for all to see and people laughed at her. Vonn slaughtered everyone in town with her feather legs and swore to become the best at the sport, which she later learned had been around for hundreds of years.

Vegas is going crazy with the odds on this relationship, with many speculating a bi-racial, pro-skier baby could be the diversity-messiah the uptight skiing community desperately needs. All we know is that Tiger better be careful about cheating in this relationship because Vonn still keeps her feather legs mounted above her four-post bed and won’t miss if she swings like his ex-wife.

No, Lindsey Vonn is not Left-Handed.

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